


Reaching for the Stars

by cadkitten



Category: Dir en grey
Genre: Alcohol, Anal Sex, Angst, Cumshot, Dom/sub, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Masturbation, Oral Sex, Original Character(s), Rimming, Sex Toys
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-08-19
Updated: 2011-08-23
Packaged: 2017-12-05 22:54:58
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,394
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/728824
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cadkitten/pseuds/cadkitten
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>For years I've watched him, I've waited in the shadows as he flitted from one thing to the next. It sounds silly to everyone else, to watch someone so closely that you feel like you're a literal part of them at times. But it's how I've always been, and he's never seemed to mind when he seems to notice that I'm doing exactly that.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [rurisvi](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=rurisvi).



> Prompt[s]: Die/Kyo happen to be my favorite. I was thinking something where Die is top- he's forceful with him, almost controlling. He's been wanting to overtake him for a while, and finally he can't hold back. Humiliation play, Japanese rope bondage, dom/sub, asphyx, vulgar sexual talk... You don't have to use all of that; you can just pick and choose what parts are more interesting to you. What I do want included is....for Die to either have a video camera, or his cell phone- to tape/take pictures of Kyo while he's humiliating him.  
> Comments: for [](http://rurisvi.livejournal.com/profile)[](http://rurisvi.livejournal.com/)**rurisvi**  
>  Beta Readers: kismekilmeluvme, gothic_hime  
> Song[s]: "THE BLOSSOMING BEELZEBUB" by Dir en grey

For years I've watched him, I've waited in the shadows as he flitted from one thing to the next. It sounds silly to everyone else, to watch someone so closely that you feel like you're a literal part of them at times. But it's how I've always been, and he's never seemed to mind when he seems to notice that I'm doing exactly that. He's called me out on it once or twice, the few times that I maybe didn't leave when I should have, when it would have been the courteous thing to do. Once years ago, he and I had been drinking and I straight up followed him into the bathroom, sitting on the counter while he went about his business. It was the first time I ever saw his dick, though not the last. I still remember the look on his face, the confusion and then the wide, toothy grin as he laughed at me and called me a pervert. He knew... he knew long before anyone else that I wasn't quite on the 'straight' and narrow. But he never really cared. That's just sort of a part of who Kyo has always been.

The second time he caught me, he didn't have the blinders of alcohol on, though I did. He'd found his way back to the bus post-concert and we'd all let him alone, promising him we wouldn't interrupt his sleep. Thing is... he wasn't looking for sleep. I knew that somewhere in the back of my mind and I left him along for a good ten minutes, long enough to let him think we weren't coming back and not long enough to let him finish up what I knew he was doing. And then I snuck back in, creeping along the aisle and then standing by the edge of the sleeping bunks, listening to him as he took care of himself and what the performance that night had caused him.

It was beautiful. The way he sounded on stage was nothing in comparison to how he sounded doing such desirable things to himself. And I couldn't help myself. I suppose when it came to him, I never could in the first place. By the time he was really into it, almost at his peak, I wasn't thinking anymore, my hand pressed over the aching bulge in my own jeans and my eyes glued on the bunk he was in as though it would help me see through the heavy blue material.

When he came, he screamed so loud it actually startled me. The alcohol in my system forced the step I took backwards into a wild disarray of flailing limbs and startled sounds. It wasn't even half a minute after I knew he'd lost it that he yanked the curtain back and stuck his head out, his eyes wide and his hair a total mess. His lips were wet and the hand on the curtain was less than spotless. And there I was, helpless on the floor, sprawled out and disoriented from the fall. His eyes locked on mine and his only words were, "Oh... it's you."

His reaction was simple, something even I hadn't imagined it would have been. He shoved the curtain the rest of the way back and slid out, pulling his boxer briefs into place again and then just walking off toward the bathroom and shutting the door. My reaction was quite a bit more complicated, involving a large amount of panic and me pulling a disappearing act for the rest of the night that managed to put both the band and management on edge until I showed up around six in the morning, completely shit-faced and working on my hangover before I was even done being drunk.

But we never spoke of it. Not once did Kyo ever bring up that I'd stood there and listened to him jerk off. And not once did he ever mention that I'd even managed to see his cock, still slick with the remnants of his pleasure for a few seconds before he covered it once more. I just filed the memories away in a place that I tried hard to pretend never existed until I was alone in the dark with my own hand and a bottle of lube. And he... well, I have no idea what he did, though in my dreams I always liked to pretend he'd done the same to me at some point.

I think what drove me the most crazy was that I'd always found him attractive. At first, it had been in a cute, cuddly kind of way. Back when he used to tease me and laugh along with our stupidity, even causing some of it on his own. Back then I wanted to hold onto him and kiss his cheeks and ruffle his hair. Hell, some of the time, I did. He always protested, but it was never more than half-hearted and he usually just gave in, sitting in my lap and letting me abuse his poor hair a little more than it already was.

But then as the years wore on, I found myself falling more and more in lust with him. His changes were dramatic, even to me as a constant part of his life. The way he went from just a kid with a little left over baby fat all the way to a full grown man. The way he started working on his muscles and went from scrawny to drop dead gorgeous. The toned body that I started to worship on a nightly basis was the thing that killed me the most I think. Right behind it, that darkness in his eyes, the way he moved from the man I first met with glee in his eyes, hope and a slight fear, all the way to the man I know now. The man whose eyes hold such depth that I feel lost when I look into them. I can see his pain, his anger, his passion, his fear... but the thing I never see is love and it chills me to my very core. A part of me thinks he honestly believes he can't love, that he has no idea what it is.

The problem is... I know exactly what love is. Fourteen years have done it to me. Fourteen years have taken me from wanting to hug him to wanting to pin him against the wall and fuck his brains out while I tell him how bad my heart has been hurting for him. But I know I can't. For one, I would never intentionally hurt him in a way he didn't want. But for another, I'm terrified. As much as I want all of it, I'm scared to death that if I ever did, it would rip the band apart.

I think, in a way, I'm terrified of myself. In all my years, I've never felt so much for one person and to know that it's not even the least bit requited is a heavy blow all by itself. So it's come to this. It's come down to me watching him every chance I get, trailing behind him in the least conspicuous manner I can manage and praying no one will ever notice what the look in my eyes actually means.

The problem with that is... one day I know I will be found out. And it'll be Kyo who figures it out first. He's too observant of others once he finally sets his sights on them and tries to figure it out. So until that day, I sit and I wait. I watch and I pray. And maybe... maybe the day he finds out, he'll forgive me for all of it.

**To Be Continued...**  



	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For years I've watched him, I've waited in the shadows as he flitted from one thing to the next. It sounds silly to everyone else, to watch someone so closely that you feel like you're a literal part of them at times. But it's how I've always been, and he's never seemed to mind when he seems to notice that I'm doing exactly that.

It grows deeper in me every single day. This desire to push the boundaries and grasp for the stars that I know I can't ever have. It's like when you're ridiculously drunk and you swear that if you try hard enough, you can reach for the moon and pluck it from the sky. Only in my case, the moon is Kyo and I haven't had a drop of alcohol in over a month. It's all on my shoulders, the weight of everything from the past and how much I have managed to fuck up in the time that I was letting myself fall into this downward spiral.

You see, two months ago, I fucked it all up. I walked right up to him after a show and I just lost it. I was so happy and floating on about my fifth beer of the night. We were both sweaty, mostly exhausted, and I just couldn't even think straight. My brain told me to share how happy I was and to share it with the man I cared the most about. I pushed him up against the wall, trapping him with my larger body, pinning him there with my hips, my hands in his short black hair while I just stared down into his eyes, my heart racing in my chest.

I'm still haunted by the look in his eyes; the intensity of his fear, the way he almost cowered back from me, trying to melt into the wall. The Kyo I had known and come to love melted away and left in its place a terrified shell of what had been only moments before. I had wanted to kiss him, to show him the world, to give him everything and open myself to him completely and utterly. But one look into that face, one glance at true terror and I realized what he really thought of me.

I could feel all of it, the way my heart cracked open and started to die in my chest; the way my happiness vanished as if it had never existed in the first place. It was like being sucked into hell itself. Every agonizing scream he'd ever let out on stage came rushing back to me all at once, slapping me around like a rag doll in a hurricane. In the span of maybe five seconds I found hell itself and spoke personally with the devil.

And in the next moment, I backed off, letting him go and turning away. I pulled another of my - by then - famous disappearing acts and didn't turn up until morning. Though this time, it was stone-cold sober and with a weight on my shoulders that hadn't been that heavy in a long, long time.

It was then that I stopped watching him. I kept my eyes and my thoughts and my hands to myself. Every casual touch I had ever given him came to a dead stop and every glance I'd ever shot him ceased to exist. In fact, I pretty much started to pretend he didn't exist outside of being 'that vocalist from our band'. Each day became harder and harder to deal with, more and more like I was walking into my own personal brand of hell.

I started avoiding going in to record except on off hours, times when almost no one was around and surely he wouldn't be. If he was there, I'd simply find a reason to leave and come back later, putting in more hours than anyone else since I'd lose track of time due to the odd hours and the mounting lack of sleep. The insomnia that used to constantly plague me came back on full force. Maybe one or two hours of restful sleep ever came to me on any given week. I stopped drinking completely after the first month, realizing that even a single beer put me in the realm of not functioning correctly due to the strain on my body.

But what habits I dropped were replaced by ones that were potentially a million times more hazardous to me. I started frequenting clubs I never should have, places that if anyone ever found out, I'd be deep-fried media toast. I found a boys only club that specialized in delivering you all of your dreams for a little over 8000 yen a night. My savings started dwindling quickly, everything I'd worked so hard for just going away like it was nothing just so I could find a little bit of relief at the end of a miserable night.

I'd pay them more and more each time for them to let me delve deeper into my twisted fantasies, to live out things that never should have been. I pushed every boundary known to man on those poor boys, fucking them hard and senseless, making it hurt just so I could hear a scream that might come close to something Kyo would have made beneath me. On the nights I truly wanted to pretend, I'd keep my eyes closed the entire time and order the one boy only labeled SinX in the book. He felt the most like Kyo under my hands. His body was shaped the same way, his height almost equal to the vocalist's and he was always more than willing to put on more of a show than was entirely necessary. I'd shove him down and he'd writhe under me. If I shoved him against the wall, he'd arch toward me and growl in a manner so shockingly close to Kyo's that I sometimes thought he knew my secret.

And he was always tight for me, never arguing when I'd just barely prep him and then shove into that tight heat, fucking it until he screamed for me. And the night I put my hand around his throat and pressed, he never once tried to stop me. It was as if he inherently trusted me not to go too far.

He was the only one who ever saw me cry. I finished with him one night, causing him to orgasm without ever once touching his dick. He'd been screaming under me, clawing at his chest while I fucked him as hard as my body would allow. And for once, I'd let him leave the mask off, just wanting to watch the way his eyes danced when he knew I believed the lie. But the moment it was all over, the very second I was done emptying myself inside him, everything crumbled. My high plummeted into the lowest of lows and one second I was catching my breath, my cock still faintly throbbing, and the next I was hanging over him, my head bowed as tears flooded down my cheeks, my heart breaking all over again.

Everything I'd worked so hard to contain came flooding out so forcefully I felt sick. The way he held me only made it worse. I could tell he cared, that he knew well enough to understand why I kept coming back to him and that's why he'd narrowed his actions down to the way he had. And the moment, he leaned up and whispered in my ear, "It's okay... you can call me Kyo," I knew it was over. Even this had been taken from me. Even sexual relief was something I couldn't have any longer. If he knew, then my job was in jeopardy even more than it was just by being here. And worse I'd been molding another to fit my ridiculous obsession.

I cried myself out and then for the first time ever, I kissed him before I went to take my shower alone. I locked the door and waited until I heard him leave the room. The next day, I went by to have all traces of my contact with the club erased, taking everything back and paying them to destroy any video evidence, also leaving almost four hundred thousand yen for the boy along with a note that told him to get himself out of the business. To go live his real dream and forget I ever existed.

And with all of that out of the way, I sank even further into myself. I cut off contact with all of my friends, came in at even odder hours than before and claimed an almost astronomical amount of sick time. Again and again, I doubted myself, doubted my ability to continue with any of this so long as it required contact with the one that slit my heart open without even meaning to. Almost a full month passed by without me even seeing him once. I ignored every text and phone call I got from almost everyone, just doing my job and responding only when I had to, though never when it was Kyo. Even when he asked about work, I'd tell Kaoru to let Kyo know the next time he saw him about whatever it was that needed to be done or said.

I finally found myself at my computer, typing up the worst thing I'd ever had to type in my life. For the sake of my life, I knew I had to do it. I'd contemplated things I couldn't even bring myself to think of again several times and I honestly felt like I was falling off a cliff into an abyss I couldn't even fathom the size of. It wasn't a letter of resignation... no, I couldn't bring myself to do that. But it was a letter outlining how I needed a break for my own mental health and that I was taking two months completely off from the entire thing. No contact and absolutely no mention of it to the press. I simply wouldn't appear at things and they'd do what they could without my input for those two months. I made it clear that it was this or it was over.

I was proofreading it, almost ready to send it off when a sharp knock came on my door. Vaguely, I remembered ordering pizza sometime about an hour before and I pulled myself up, getting my wallet and going to the door, pulling it open. What I saw on the other side stopped my heart cold in my chest. The last person in the world I wanted to see stood on the other side of that door, holding that pizza box with possibly the most pissed off expression I'd ever seen on his face. My immediate reaction was the desire to slam the door in his face and lock it. But I didn't, instead I stood there frozen, completely in shock, my mouth working but no sound coming out as I floundered like a fish out of water for anything to say at all.

He didn't wait to be invited in. In fact, he didn't even ask nicely. Rather he shoved past me and reached behind him to slam the door shut, locking it and then grabbing my arm almost painfully, dragging me to the couch in the living room and shoving me down on it, tossing the pizza box on the coffee table and then glowering at me, his arms crossed across his chest. "What the fucking hell is your goddamn problem with me?" When I didn't answer, he just kept right on going, his anger mounting up by the very second. "Well?" His foot tapped on the floor, his boots having tracked on my cream colored carpet. Even his manners had flown right out the window with the complete ferocity of this rage. "Fuck! Die, what in the goddamn hell did I ever fucking do to you?!"

For maybe not the first time in my life, I cowered on the couch, actually shaking from the emotions welling up inside me. It was this that I had wanted to avoid. I didn't want to have to deal with what I knew was coming down on me for my actions that night... that night that felt like a million and one nights ago now.

I only relaxed a little when he started pacing the length of my living room. I watched my carpet dirty under his feet and only then realized he and the pizza box were about half drenched with rain. I hadn't even noticed it had been raining until then and I still wasn't real sure how he'd gotten the pizza away from a real delivery boy or how he'd even known I'd ordered it in the first place. But with him wearing a black rut in my carpet and seething in a way I had never seen directed at me before, I figured that was the least of my worries.

My eyes followed him back and forth, my mouth still refusing to form actual words. And when he stopped in front of my computer, his back ridged, it took me almost a full minute to actually realize I should be panicking. I sprung off the couch, rushing to the computer and jamming my finger on the button for the screen, turning it off, my heart pounding in my chest. "I-"

I never got further than that because when he turned his face to mine, what little of my heart that I had left ripped right out of my chest and fell on the floor between us. Tears were shining bright in his eyes and his face was full of the most intense devastation I had ever seen in my entire life. He radiated a pain I didn't even know could exist as he brought one shaking hand up to his mouth, pressing the side of it to his lips as the tears began to overflow. His body started to shake and before I could even react, he was on the floor, one hand stopping his head from hitting the desk, but the other still pressed against his lips.

The most heart wrenching sobs I've ever heard came pouring from him as he tried to croak out words to me. "I... you... this is... all," his voice cracked painfully, "my fault." Every ounce of rage he'd had inside him had been solidly replaced by this agonizing pain that I couldn't even begin to know how to deal with. I hadn't meant to hurt him. I was pulling away to stop from hurting him any more than I had that night. And yet... this... this was so much worse than that had ever been.

I sank to my knees, my arms wrapped around my middle and shame written all over me. "No... it's my fault. It's always been my fault." I bowed my head and closed my eyes, willing the tears to stay away at least long enough for me to explain. "I never meant to hurt you. But I did. I hurt you so bad that night." My heart wrenched painfully in my chest and I let out a broken sob that I couldn't stop. "I made you fear me. I never _ever_ meant for that to happen and I'm so sorry." I took in a sharp breath and forced out the rest. "I just need a break. I need to make myself stop feeling how I do. I need to..." I trailed off, not wanting to fully admit that I needed to rip the rest of my heart out and just be numb before I could deal with him again.

My eyes slid closed and I waited, listening to the breaths of a panicked man, the sharp intake and the little tiny hiccup-like gasps that were so obviously filled with tears. It took him a while to get to a point where he calmed down enough to actually talk to me again, but when he did, he sounded nothing if not confused. "H-hurt me?" When I didn't answer, he shifted, moving closer to me and putting his hand on my arm, making me jump. The touch was like pure electricity, something I'd brought myself to realize I'd never feel again and to have it happen willingly was something I wasn't at all prepared for. "Die?" he sounded so very lost now, his voice still strained from the tears. "This is the only thing that's ever hurt me," he whispered out.

It took everything I had to raise my head and look him in the eye. "That night... after the show. The way you looked at me. I hurt you." The last words were choked out as I broke down all over again, my head bowing and my arms tightening around my midsection, squeezing almost painfully as if that would numb me from this.

His hand gripped on my arm harder and then he was there entirely, his arms around me and his breath against my ear. His hands rubbed over my back and then one slid up into my hair. Holding me there, he pulled back enough to look me in the eye, breathing out a soft, "Oh god... Die..." before he pressed his forehead to mine, his eyes closed and his body making both of ours sway ever so slightly back and forth.

He kept it up for a few minutes before he finally stopped and used both hands to stroke over my hair, framing my face with his hands as he stared into my eyes. "You didn't hurt me." Everything about him was honest, naked and open truth. He had a way of showing when he wasn't hiding anything and he did it for me then, making me know beyond a shadow of a doubt that he wasn't lying. "I was scared... yes... but not of you." His fingertips came to ghost over my lips, resting there for a moment. "If anything, I was afraid of the fact that I've known your intentions for years and yet out of nowhere, you were acting on them." He traced over my plump lower lip and then pressed a little. "You were drunk. I was so scared you'd do something you'd regret in the morning and hate yourself or me for it." He shook his head a little. "It wasn't pain, Die. I didn't want you to do something you'd regret." His voice cracked and he bowed his head then, his hand dropping to his lap. "I didn't want you to regret me."

Another shot of pure agonizing pain shot through my chest and I realized this was truly what heartbreak felt like. It was worse than my own personal hell. Having him think that I would ever regret him was the purest form of agony. Finally I found my voice, my hand coming to hold onto his, my long fingers curling with his. "I wouldn't have regretted it. I can't."

His free hand moved to touch my cheek. "But you already do."

"Only because I thought I hurt you. I thought-" he cut me off, his hand trailing gently over my cheek and then my neck and then to wrap warmly around the back of it, pulling me close. "Do it now then. Kiss me like you were going to that night. And don't regret it."

Uncertainty filled me, but I did as I was asked anyway, moving closer and then finally - at long last - letting my lips seal over his. He tasted like rain and something I could only describe as Kyo. Instantly, I felt like everything inside me was drawn to him, my body moving closer to his, my arms moving to pull him onto my lap. I kissed him like it was my last day on earth and I had to show him everything with that one action. I kissed him until I felt like I was going to cease to exist from the emotional drain of giving him my all. And when I finally pulled back, I just sat there watching him, panting for my breath, half expecting him to get up and walk away.

But instead what I found was pure shock written all over his face. His eyes for once held something that wasn't splitting my heart in two. This time I saw hope. Pure and brilliant hope. He didn't say a word, he just moved to press his lips back to mine, kissing me back in a manner that told of his life and his hopes and his dreams and his every up and down. He shared with me in his entirety and he never even pulled back, not even when his hands moved to unbutton my shirt and not when he managed to get my pants open enough to get his hand inside, stroking me into hardness.

I didn't protest and I didn't move to do anything else. He was showing me everything in the manner that came best for the moment and I let him do it his way. It was almost ten minutes before he finally pulled back from the kiss, only long enough to squirm back and kick his boots off, taking off his own pants and yanking his shirt over his head, leaving his black hair wild. For the first time in my life, I finally saw him while he was hard, his body the perfect picture of pure need.

He held his hand out to me and without a word, I took it, going with him to my bedroom where he simply lay down on the bed and waited, one hand lazily stroking himself, the other running through his hair over and over. Somehow I managed to find the lube and a condom and through some miracle, I managed to get him prepped and ready without fucking any of it up. By the time I pushed into his tight, waiting body, he had his legs wrapped around me and I was sucking a rather dark mark on the juncture of shoulder and neck. Our hips worked together, a gentle rhythm that wasn't made of desperation or even the desire to get off.

We were still talking to one another without so much as a single word. Our bodies did it for us, showing one another how much we both cared and how much pain we'd been in without one another these past two months. I showed him my mistakes and my fear and then finally my pure love. And he showed me that all he'd ever wanted was the truth, an admission and a sure thing.

For near an hour, we worked one another, just connecting over and over again until the only thing left to tell was the story of our lust. Our hips moved together, my thrusts deep and slow, his nails digging into my back and surely leaving a mark of his own upon my body. Slowly it built, escalating until it was almost unbearable. His knees drew up even more and his hips canted a certain way and the next thing I knew, he was screaming under me, his hands wrapped tightly around my biceps, sure to leave bruises with the force he was holding onto me with. His passage clenched tight around me and his back arched, his head thrown back as he let out the most incredible sound I had ever heard. A sharp spasm around me was quickly followed by a lot more as he started to cum, his dick spurting out his release over his straining abdomen. For a brief moment, I just felt and then I let it all go, slamming into him with a ferocity that I wasn't actually certain his body could take, but I couldn't bring myself to stop. The bed slammed against the wall a few times before I finally stilled, a sharp cry leaving my lips as I let him have everything I had to offer.

By the time we collapsed on the bed, he'd curled himself back around me. I knew he wasn't going to let me go any time soon and the thought swelled my heart as I tenderly kissed him, showing him that I could still care afterward, that I was more than willing to show him heaven and hell and plunge the depths right along with him.

The world slowly darkened outside, the room growing dim, his hold never relaxing even a bit on me. "I won't let go," he finally spoke after near an hour. And the only response I could find was, "Neither will I."

**To Be Continued...**  



	3. Reaching for the Stars

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For years I've watched him, I've waited in the shadows as he flitted from one thing to the next. It sounds silly to everyone else, to watch someone so closely that you feel like you're a literal part of them at times. But it's how I've always been, and he's never seemed to mind when he seems to notice that I'm doing exactly that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Beta Readers: kismekilmeluvme  
> Song[s]: "DIABLOS" by Dir en grey

I suppose with the way things could have turned out, I was blessed with how they did. From the point of our night of confessions, we vowed to work on everything. I never did send that letter off to management, and things sort of melded back together the way they were meant to have been in the first place. A part of me still can't believe I was so blind, that I never even saw what he was trying to show me all along. I desperately needed Kyo in my life as more than a band member and friend, and he just wanted someone to love him.

Effectively, it worked out well for both of us. We meshed well in almost every single way and even when I told him my dirty secrets, the pieces I thought would tear us apart for sure, he just stroked my cheek and told me I worried too much. It seemed that as long as he had love, he was fine. It amazed me how smoothly things went, though I honestly thought that after we'd been together pushing a year, that I'd never be able to let him in on a few of the things that SinX had found out about all those months ago.

There'd been nights where I'd lost my cool with the boy and he'd allowed me to filter everything off on him in a way that some might have considered abusive, except that he was always willing and it was a mutual thing to get us both off. Things like tying him up and fucking him until he cried for release... the night I'd choked him, and an array of other things that I wasn't certain Kyo would ever be willing to venture into with me. The truth was, every session with us was like a personal connection and a session in which we spoke to one another of our feelings with nothing but our bodies. And sometimes... well... it wasn't exactly what I wanted from it.

I value that connection, don't get me wrong. I love him with more than just my heart and it's a special thing we have for one another. But sometimes a man just wants to get off, to just fuck for the sake of fucking. And the thing was, every time I tried that, I couldn't. It always ended the same way. A lengthy session of us making love to one another. And sometimes it frustrated me to tears. Especially if my insomnia was bothering me again and I just wanted to get off and relax a little. Sometimes I just didn't have the stamina to feel like I could spill myself emotionally out all over the place.

And finally it drove me to finding my own release while he wasn't around. We'd moved in together about a month prior and my personal space had become _our_ personal space. While he'd never once delved into any of my things, I still felt the need to hide things that embarrassed me the most. While my sexual tastes had always been the topic of drunken banter, that was completely different from your lover finding your secret porn stash. So I'd done all I could to hide it and make certain he'd never see it.

It got to me one day. He'd been out the whole morning and I'd slept in, finally having gotten some much needed rest, waking up around noon, making some breakfast and then lounging around until around three, tidying up a bit and not much else. But as is prone to happen to anyone, at some point, I started to get horny. It was the kind where I knew if he came home, I'd try to have my way with him wherever I encountered him at, and desperately try to just fuck for the hundredth time.

The longer I sat around, the harder I got until finally I just gave in, knowing how it would end with Kyo and not wanting to deal with the whole thing. I went and dug out my porn, pulling out my laptop and sliding the disk in the side, waiting while it booted up, unbuttoning my jeans and freeing my already stiff length, stroking languidly at it while I waited. When everything finally started up, I skipped ahead to the scene I liked best on the DVD, just wanting relief and not a huge to-do about the whole thing.

The taller man on the screen had already tied the smaller one up. Neither were wearing anything, both bare to the world, the smaller looking slightly afraid as the other moved between just touching him and then blindfolding him and starting to fuck him hard with a dildo, making the other scream. The scene switched over to the dominant one almost choking the other on his dick, intentionally face fucking him to the point tears streamed down the younger's cheeks.

My hand moved faster over my dick, my excitement ramping up fast, my eyes going to the subs dick, watching the way it twitched, all of this obviously still exciting him the entire time. He got off on the pain the other provided him. It was the way SinX had been that last time with me and it was something I still wished I could just test the waters with Kyo about. The only problem was, he never did anything that wasn't about us bonding. I'd never so much as heard him jerk off and he'd had me help pack his house and there'd been no trace of even a single piece of porn in the entire place.

My hips jerked a bit and I held the laptop side harder with my free hand, the sound of what I was doing filling the apartment as I watched the dom paint the other's face with his cum. Oh how I wanted to do that to Kyo, to watch him sit under me as I emptied myself on his face. But we'd never even performed oral on one another. I tried it on him once and he just begged me to take him, only letting me do it for about ten seconds before I felt bad for not doing what he desired so much.

I squirmed around, biting at my lip and stroking myself off faster, my end coming up quick. And it was then that I heard a deep chuckle from behind me. Gasping, I instantly slammed the laptop lid shut and scrambled to try to cover myself, embarrassment flooding over me. My eyes shot to the case for the DVD and I quickly knocked it into the floor and kicked it under the couch, my heart thudding in my chest. "Fucking hell, Kyo, you scared the shit out of me," I managed to croak out.

He let out another laugh as he came around the couch, carefully extracting the laptop from my grasp and setting it aside. "You know, I'm always up for helping you out." His hands ran over my thighs as he leaned down, his eyes bright and full of that same wonder they always held when it came to the sexual aspect of our relationship.

I couldn't bring myself to actually do anything but sit there. I felt something like fear shoot through me and I desperately tried to give myself over to what I thought was the inevitable. But something inside me warred against it, rebelling and wanting things to be different than usual for just one time even. In the split second it took him to lean in for a kiss, I had him wrenched under me, my body hovering over his on the couch. My lips crushed into his, devouring him with the intensity of my need to simply _fuck_.

He whined under me a few times and then finally relaxed, just letting me do as I was. My hands tore at his clothing, yanking it off his small frame and discarding it into the floor, my own following. The moment my hands were free again, I grabbed his wrists and pinned him down. Finally I let him have a little bit of space, only to stare down at him intensely for a long few moments. "I need this, Kyo," I let out, telling him rather than showing him my emotions this time. "Sometimes I just... I dream of this. Of you so helpless under me."

He blushed a little, but he didn't protest, just squirming a bit. My eyes flickered down his body, to his already willing cock and then back up to his dark eyes. There were many things written on his face and in the depths of those eyes. The one I found and held onto was the curiosity. It egged me on and allowed me to let myself go and do as I wanted.

My fingers let go of one of his hands and moved to brush over his lips. "You know what you've yet to do for me?" I asked in a voice that even surprised me with the intensity. He whispered out a soft, "What?" and I slid one finger into his mouth. "You haven't ever sucked me. Not once have I felt these lips wrapped around my cock. Not once have I managed to abuse this mouth of yours the way I want so badly to do."

He sucked a little at my finger and then flicked his tongue over it, wordlessly letting me know he was willing. I moved over him, straddling his chest and reaching to tilt his head as I needed it, my other hand guiding my cock to his mouth. He opened for me and I slid in with a groan, my cock throbbing on his tongue for a moment before I calmed down. It felt so good to have him like this, his wet mouth surrounding my dick and his eyes peering up at me as he started to suck, swirling his tongue. Slowly, I started to thrust, watching him to make sure I wasn't actually hurting him given that we were recording again and the last thing he needed was for me to damage his instrument.

He groaned under me once I got a good pace going, the way he watched me and sucked me letting me know he actually was enjoying what we were doing. I had half expected him to hate it, but it seemed I had just needed to ask. I fucked him until I couldn't stand it anymore and finally pulled out, rasping out, "Close your eyes," as I grabbed my dick and started jerking off frantically. Only a few seconds and I was decorating his face with my warm cum, one shot going right in his mouth, the rest splattering everywhere.

I watched as he licked his lips and then swallowed what I had given him, sat back stroking myself as he dared open his eyes and peer up at me. My hand came to stroke over his hair, a smile on my face as I viewed my masterpiece. Those lips swollen and red from sucking my dick, my cum decorating his face, and the somehow innocent look in his eyes were all almost too much. "Kyo," I let out, shifting off of him and then kneeling next to him. "I have so many things I want to do with you. So many things I want to do when I just want to fuck."

The softest little smile slid over his lips and he nodded at me, murmuring out, "I know. Do them, Die. I'll let you."

I held out my hand and helped him up, letting him get a tissue to wipe his face off as we made our way to the bedroom. He moved to crawl onto the bed and I stopped him before he could turn over, my hands drawing him back to the edge, positioning him on his knees and massaging his ass for a moment before lightly slapping it, watching as it turned a little pink where my hand had hit. "I love what we normally do... but sometimes I just want to get off," I admitted to him. Softly, he replied with, "Me, too."

I left him there for a moment, moving to the dresser and pulling out the lube and a condom, then the one dildo I had bought in hopes that Kyo would one day let me use it on him. On a whim, I turned on my camera, setting it to video and moving back to the bed, leaving it on the dresser. Maybe he'd notice, maybe he wouldn't. But this would be the best porn I'd ever have and all I'd ever need if it actually worked.

When I moved back to the bed, I reached under him and jerked him off for a few minutes, my cock pressed against his crack while he squirmed, making me hard again. "I've always wanted you from behind, Kyo," I told him, my mouth bound and determined to get me in trouble tonight. "Your ass has always been something I've wanted to admire while I shoved my cock in you."

He let out a breathy little moan, arching his back and hips up, almost as if presenting himself to me. "Oh... such a good boy," I purred out, reaching past him and getting the wet wipes we left on the bedside for cleanup. I pulled one out and moved enough to clean him up real well. Tossing it away, I took one cheek in each hand, spreading them and watching as his hole spasmed in anticipation of what was coming. Leaning in, I ran my tongue over the little bud, swirling it a bit and he let out a startled sound that quickly turned into the type of moan I'd never heard him make but had always longed to. It was pure lust, built off nothing but the unadulterated need to feel more pleasure.

I pointed my tongue and flicked it over the bud again and again, loving the way he sounded as I did this to him. Turning my head a little, I nipped at his ass cheek and then sharply slapped the other. He let out a cry that was close to a scream and I smirked to myself, straightening up and getting the dildo, lubing it up and then just pressing it at his hole, not even trying for prep. I just watched as he spasmed and squirmed, waited as his body slowly gave and let it start to slide in. I kept going until he had almost the full thing in him, holding it there with my palm as I brought my dick to rub against his thigh. "I'm fucking you, Kyo... I'm fucking you and it's not with my dick. How does it feel?"

He let out a sharp whine and then a tiny, almost embarrassed, "Good." I let out a soft laugh and slowly started to thrust it in and out, watching the way his body reacted to it, sometimes drawing it almost all the way out before pushing it back in with a sharp movement. I watched as his balls drew up tight; watched as he tried to almost urgently fuck himself on the toy in pure desperation. And I watched as he gave in and let his top half sink onto the bed, his hand coming down to tug at his dick. "Fuck... Kyo...." I pulled out the dildo, putting it aside and replacing it with my own dick, for the first time ignoring the condom. His heat clenched around me and I grabbed his hips with both hands, just starting to outright fuck him. I had no goal in mind but to make it feel like pure sin. My hips slapped hard against his ass, the sound of us fucking like music to my ears. I could feel him jerking off under me and it turned me on so much I knew I wasn't going to last much longer than him. "God, baby... fucking cum. I need to feel it. To feel your asshole so tight around my fucking dick."

He let out a sound that made it clear he didn't mind that I was talking to him like that, his hand moving faster over his cock and his hips trying to fuck back against me. My nails dug into his hips and his back arched, hips snapping toward me as he let out a scream. A second later, he was cumming and I was fucking his hole like it was the last god-given thing I was going to do on this planet. I fucked him so hard he sobbed in between his moans and when I came, I stayed inside, proud to know I was filling him for the first time without a barrier between us.

And when I was done, I forced him back on his knees, tugging his hips back to watch as my cum leaked out of his asshole and dripped down onto the bed below him. Warmth filled me and I knew then that this was the only thing I'd been lacking. I'd just wanted to have some time where it wasn't based on anything but lust. Just a fuck, pure and simple.

When I moved to lie on the bed and opened my arms to him, he was there instantly, curling up on top of me and clutching at me like he usually did during sex, though this time it was obviously built to soothe and calm.

And hours later when it turned into us making love, I found that I didn't mind at all. I gave him my all and he felt it right alongside me, our bodies rocking out the rhythm we knew so well. It wasn't a pressure on me anymore. Instead it was just a welcome addition to the fiery release from earlier and I enjoyed it in much the same way, knowing it was what Kyo desired the most in that moment.

When I came for the second time, Kyo not far behind me, we just lay there, curled up and lost in one another, knowing we weren't going to move until it was absolutely necessary. This... this was perfect bliss.

**The End**  



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